THE QUESTION
My son is almost 6 and I’m exhausted by how he behaves with me at home. He argues about everything, doesn’t listen and sometimes speaks to me in ways that feel incredibly disrespectful. My husband gets some of it too, but I seem to get the worst of it. The confusing part is that this isn’t how he acts everywhere else.
He does great at school. His teachers see a happy, sweet kid. And honestly, I see that kid too. He can be loving, funny and kind. Then we’ll have one of these moments at home and it feels like I’m dealing with a completely different child. I’ve talked to his pediatrician, but because he’s doing well at school, they don’t seem too concerned. People keep telling me kids behave the worst with the person they feel safest with. I understand the idea, but when you’re the person getting all of it, that explanation doesn’t make it much easier.
I’m at the point where I sometimes dread being around him because I don’t know when the next battle is coming. Then I feel horrible for even thinking that. Is this a phase? Is there something else I should be looking at? And how do I stop giving in because I’m trying to avoid another fight?
First, you are definitely not the only mom getting the worst version of a kid everyone else thinks is an angel.
Plenty of moms know this exact situation. Their kid is great at school, teachers love them, they hold it together everywhere else…and then they come home and unleash everything on Mom.
Where women differ is on why it’s happening and what to do about it.
Some moms will say to push for an evaluation. They’ll tell you about kids who behaved beautifully at school but struggled much more at home and were eventually diagnosed with ADHD, autism or another issue affecting emotional regulation. That doesn’t mean every difficult 6-year-old has a diagnosis. But doing well in school doesn’t necessarily mean there’s nothing else worth looking into.
Opposite reactions will include some version of: stop trying to diagnose the behavior and get really consistent about how you respond to it.
These moms will tell you not to give a consequence unless you’re prepared to follow through. Don’t turn a no into a yes because the argument has gone on for 20 minutes. If losing a privilege is the consequence, stick with it. The thinking is that if pushing hard enough occasionally works, there’s a reason to keep pushing.
Then there are the moms who will tell you to stop engaging in the fight altogether.
If he becomes rude or argumentative, tell him you’re happy to talk when he can speak respectfully and walk away. Don’t stand there debating with a 6-year-old. Give the bad behavior as little attention as possible, then make a point of noticing him when he’s cooperative, kind or handling disappointment well.
Another suggestion you’ll hear is to stop focusing only on the blowup and start looking at what happens right before it.
Is it usually after school? When he’s hungry? When it’s time to shut off a screen? When he’s told no? When he’s asked to stop something without warning?
Some parents will suggest changing the way you give directions. Instead of suddenly telling him it’s time to stop playing and get ready, give him a warning and a specific time. Others will wonder whether a kid approaching 6 or 7 is pushing for more independence and needs a few more places where he gets to make the decision.
You’ll also hear therapy suggested quite a bit. Sometimes that’s therapy for the child. Sometimes it’s working with someone together. And sometimes the suggestion will be for Mom to find support too, because being the person absorbing these blowups day after day is exhausting.
Then you’ll get the more specific suggestions.
Cut down the screen time. Check his diet. Ask the pediatrician about vitamin levels. Pay attention to sleep.
Some women will also ask what’s happening elsewhere in the house. How does your partner speak to you? What happens when your son is disrespectful in front of your partner? Do you back each other up or does one parent regularly undo what the other one said?
Not every suggestion deserves equal weight. A supplement that worked for someone else’s child isn’t evidence that your child needs it. But these are the kinds of things other parents will tell you to consider, and you can decide which ones are worth bringing to your pediatrician or trying at home.
Then there are the moms who will remind you to look for the good behavior too.
When you’re correcting someone all day long, your relationship can start to feel like one long series of stop, no, don’t, come here, put that down, I already asked you twice.
So look for little wins. He listened the first time? Say something. He got frustrated without exploding? Notice it. He spoke to you differently after you asked him to try again? Tell him.
And finally, you’ll hear something that isn’t really advice at all:
Me too.
Other moms have felt drained by their kids. They’ve cried about it. They’ve wondered why everyone else gets the charming version of their child. They’ve occasionally wanted to get away from their own kid for a while and then felt horribly guilty for thinking it.
You might hear ten different explanations and ten different solutions.
Get him evaluated. Hold the boundary. Stop engaging. Give him more autonomy. Try therapy. Cut back screens. Change how you give directions. Praise him more.
You don’t have to try all of them.
But you also don’t have to accept “he’s good at school, so he’s fine” as the end of the conversation if what you’re dealing with at home doesn’t feel fine.
